I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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