Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
