Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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