I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
