nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
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