God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
