I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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