drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
