So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
