she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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