Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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