she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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