Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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