Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
