My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
