based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
