Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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