How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
