I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
