sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
