how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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