dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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