omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
