Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
