Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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