also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
