I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
