it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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