I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
