Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
