Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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