the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
