This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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