You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
