Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
