someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
tell me about the eggs
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
