grandma shit on top of the toilet
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
