You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
