I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
