i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
