I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
