Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
