Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
