I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
