so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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