I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
