so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
