I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
