I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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