There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
